Her Name is Her Word

there was love here, that life is gone and now i don’t know where it belongs.

cookie crumbs won’t work this time.

Becoming pregnant was the worst thing that has happened to me. In 28 years of living I’ve encountered more than a fair share of heartache and devastation but pregnancy is a complete loss of control. I’ve been abused, neglected, abandoned and left broken and nothing has shattered me to my core as much finding out i was pregnant and subsequently finding out that this pregnancy would not result in me being a mother or having a baby.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I desire the legacy, the love, the purpose.. but perhaps the biggest driving force is the desire to undo, and to right the wrongs of my life through the creation of a new life. Being a mom seems to be the only role in life that is entirely selfless and completely selfish at the same time, and its a role i desperately want to play.

I finally stopped bleeding yesterday after 17 days. It’s hard to believe that 17 days have passed since I sat on the toilet crying at midnight while my husband slept. I knew what was happening and it would be confirmed by ultrasound the following morning.

I feel empty and lost. I find myself still rubbing my belly for a moment until I realize that there is nothing there anymore. I know there is nothing there anymore.. I watched it all bleed out of me for the past two weeks. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m not pregnant anymore, I’m not a mom anymore, but I’m not the woman I was before getting pregnant either.

I don’t know where I am, or where I went, or how to retrace my steps to try and find that woman. I want to feel whole but the part that is missing is never coming back.

Blood Organ

Deep. Wide. Gaping. Words softly drifting through each strange curl of my brain. Feeling those words vibrate slowly from one ear to the other, and then home again. Words that only begin to describe the hole in my bodies blood pumping organ. I’m not even aware of how long its been missing, or if it was ever really there at all. Maybe I came into this world missing that piece and its never coming back.  Through the darkest lows to the brightest highs, its always felt the same. Never really better and never really worse. For as long as my brain can remember I’ve always just felt a little off. A little lost. I have an instinctual longing to know and to do. Everything. Even if it hurts. It started with oatmeal and hasn’t stopped. When I was younger  I would write heartfelt diary entries about just wanting to be loved. I truly believed that I wouldn’t feel this way any longer - if only someone truly loved me. Love is what I lacked. It must have been. Lacking love no longer hasn’t fixed me. I get love from so many different places, probably more than most. I’m surrounded by love all the while the drip continues.